Welcome to New Johto;
This is what remains of the region after the virus hit.
Undead pokemon lurk behind every corner, infest every city, haunt every cave.
Dark Days are Ahead...
Will you survive?


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CHAPTER 1: GREAT ESCAPE

Kaze
Kaze
Ace
Ace

Age : 25
Posts : 2388

CHAPTER 1: GREAT ESCAPE - Page 4 Empty Re: CHAPTER 1: GREAT ESCAPE

Post by Kaze on Tue Oct 29, 2013 8:25 pm

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Mysterious Lobby }|{ Assumed Afternoon }|{ {24}

Fight, fight and kill!
The fuzzy feeling in the Riolu's head is getting worse as he sinks his yellow teeth deeper into the thick muscle under the grey skin. The thick bands of muscle are like armor protecting the tastier organ meat but if he digs his teeth in deeper he can feel his bite severing through the fibers. Blood bubbles up from the severed veins, trickling down his skin and wetting the fur there into matted spines. His untrimmed nails dig into the slate colored skin, holding the body still as he tilts his head to the side.
The four crested points of his carnassial teeth are made for this task, he bites hard and grinds his jaws together, shearing the meat from the bone and tugging backwards.
The flesh rips and drips blood onto the floor as Taph struggles to get a firm grip. His teeth clench tightly around the bloody morsel.
He worries at the meat and roughly jerks his head backwards. The flesh tears and pulls away from the Machamp's body. Growling he shakes his head from side to side. The strings of flesh holding the lump of muscle attached stretch then snap and leave the undead Riolu with a tasty lump of meat large enough to get his jaw around.
He grabs it in his blue furred paws, now the same bright red from the fresh body, and bites down hard. Wrenching his head to the side he pulls loose a chunk of flesh small enough to fit into his mouth and chews the tough muscle hard. He barely manages to dent the tough meat, especially with his newly missing tooth, and swiftly swallows the lump of flesh before viciously tearing off a new bite.
This isn't an attack against an enemy anymore. This is an undead feeding. His paws are covered in the crimson blood sluggishly flowing from the open wound, the fur around his snout already matted and wild.

He digs his face into the open wound, flesh squishing wetly around his paws. His teeth snap for a grip on the wet muscle underneath and slowly Taph realizes that he isn't being brave any more. He wasn't helping his friends, he wasn't fighting.
They had won, the bad monster was dead. He wasn't hurting it any more so why did he still have the taste of blood in his mouth.
The young Riolu pulls backwards. The wound left on the Machamp's body hadn't been left by him, he had just driven his teeth into it.
The fighting type's head lolls back, eyes staring blankly at the ceiling, oblivious to the trickles of blood running down it's blue-grey skin. If it was dead and they had won what was he doing?
Taph stumbles backwards, feeling as if for the first time the still warm blood dripping from his chin. What was he doing, what was he turning into.
He turns towards Mathias and Glass, mouth open to say something anything and a small piece of Machamp meat falls out onto the floor.
ShadowCharizard
ShadowCharizard
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Donator

Age : 34
Posts : 1253

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Post by ShadowCharizard on Wed Oct 30, 2013 9:35 am

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Mysterious Lobby|Assumed Afternoon|24

Mathias looked at both Glass and Taph knowing that this maybe the last time he'll see them. In his heart he felt that Taph would remain in danger as long as he is undead. Yet, something within had given to trusting Taph still. He knew what he had to say to him, but it was hard to put into words. "Taph, its okay there's no need for words, you did well to fight back." Mathias had smiled and decided to find something to give to both Taph and Glass. As he searched the lobby for something, a glint of something shiny had caught his attention. He pulled the crumbled stone off the object and it was a coin of some sort. Then, right beside it was a pecha scarf though it was a bit dirty it had never been used before.

Mathias returned to the other two with the items. He laid them on the floor in a row as if a little something to remember him by. As he turned around looking out the window for the first time he seen blue sky and it was beautiful. This wasn't the end of the battle though, as there are more battles to be fought and a special friend he must return to. One final glance from him from the window he knew that this maybe the only time he'll see the sky so blue. "This will be the last time I'll see this sky. Glass, Taph, thank you for being by my side when I needed it the most." There was still hope and he would never give it up.
Duma
Duma
Elite
Elite

Age : 20
Posts : 1400

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Post by Duma on Wed Oct 30, 2013 2:42 pm

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Mysterious Lobby~Assumed Afternoon~25
Taph seemed horrified at the fact that he was actually eating the Machamp, but it could of been worse, Taph could of turned on them. Glass silently thanked Taph for not turning on them, but her words however, formed entirely differently. "Taph... You may have been the very first kid I was ever actually around, and you may have become an undead, but kid, I trust you. I've never actually grown to trust anyone around me before, but I can tell, your mind may not be in the right place, but your heart sure is." Glass was astounded at her own words. She'd never talked that highly of someone before. It just made her sadder that she was leaving them.

Turning to Mathias, Glass saw the gifts that he had brought them. A smile - a genuine smile crept onto the dark type's face. "The same goes for you too Mathias. You seem to be one I can trust and in saying that, I have no regrets of past battles or anything. I know you'll always keep your promise, regardless of the events that turn out." Glass's eyes took a whole new softer look. She'd never been this nice to anyone before.

Just shows that this Epidemic can change a pokemon. Glass carefully picked up the coin, leaving the scarf for Taph. "I will really miss you guys, maybe some time in the future we can meet again." Glass turned towards the exit. Looking back one last time towards the others, before bounding off, her white form disappearing into the horizon.
Kaze
Kaze
Ace
Ace

Age : 25
Posts : 2388

CHAPTER 1: GREAT ESCAPE - Page 4 Empty Re: CHAPTER 1: GREAT ESCAPE

Post by Kaze on Thu Oct 31, 2013 3:46 pm

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Mysterious Lobby }|{ Assumed Afternoon }|{ {25}

He feels cold, so very very cold. The blood dripping from his chin is still warm but inside he feels as cold as ice. He had lost control of himself. Even though he was just trying to protect his friends he has become a monster. The warm blood in his mouth tastes bitter as he spits it out onto the floor. He is curling over defensively again, shrinking in on himself as he trembles and whimpers like a frightened puppy.
There is no fear in the eyes of Glass or Mathias and that is what makes him afraid. They don't hate him, they're not scared of him because they trust him. They know that even if he got out of control he would never hurt his precious friends. Taph doesn't know that; this time he hadn't decided to bite the Machamp, it had just happened. If it happens again...he could bite them, he could eat them and he wouldn't even know he was doing it. Taph had so very few friends, he could count them on one paw, and he was so very afraid of losing even one of them.

Numbly he looks at the light pink scarf Mathias has found for him. The large fire lizard is looking up at the blue sky with a smile. While he was still wary of the flaring fire on the Charizard's tail Mathias was like a father to the little Riolu, protecting him and comforting him when he was scared. Right now he trusted Taph enough to overlook the fact that he had bitten the Machamp but the young fighting type knows things are only going to get worse. He's going to lose control more often, be unable to hold himself back...and Mathias is going to be disappointed in him. That same look his father had given him...he can't stand to see it in Mathias's eyes.
Glass...she was like an older sister to him, always looking out for everybody, always on guard but she too trusted him. A horrible feeling of nausea rises in his stomach, threatening to make Taph throw up the bloody pokemon meat he has just eaten. They were his friends. He didn't want them to go, he was afraid to be alone again now he'd found someone who accepted him. He didn't want to be alone, he was scared, he wanted to die...

A thousand conflicting thoughts buzz inside his head as Glass and Mathias continue to talk. Rather than comforting him their kind words make the inner turmoil the little undead Riolu is feeling worse until he can't hold back a sob.
"I can't...I just can't..." He cries, pressing trembling paws to his blood-stained muzzle.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!"
Turning on his heels the young fighting type flees out over the concrete of the lobby floor, his uncut claws clattering on the hard ground as he drops to all fours for extra speed. Without looking back he runs away, warm tears flowing over his cold, cold skin.
ShadowCharizard
ShadowCharizard
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Age : 34
Posts : 1253

CHAPTER 1: GREAT ESCAPE - Page 4 Empty Re: CHAPTER 1: GREAT ESCAPE

Post by ShadowCharizard on Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:43 pm

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Mysterious Lobby|Assumed Afternoon|25

Mathias couldn't stop Taph, though he wanted to. Taph had to discover his own destiny on his own and hopefully he'll meet him again in the future. Looking back at the events that took place in the asylum, it was an incredible journey. He wanted to say something to them, but only thing he could say was see you later. The idea of saying goodbye made him uneasy and he could never say it. "Glass, you had changed to the better and Taph, you won't be a monster, I hope you'll discover your destiny." Mathias smiled and shed a few tears of happiness. Taph was like a son to him and Glass was like a sister he never had. He knew that this was to be the end of one journey and the beginning of a new.

As Mathias walked out the door, he felt the wind touching his scales as if its telling him to return to a special pokemon in his heart. Time was running short before the sun begins to set. He took one last look at the blue sky. This happened to keep his mind on his task at hand, he had to return to her. He would treasure the memory of both Taph and Glass. He opened his wings to get some air circulating around it. As the two others was barely in hearing distance, Mathias shouted out. "Till we meet again, good luck the both of you!" His final message to them was as strong as his heart.

He took flight into the sky as he watched the others vanish into the distance. Mathias wished that Taph would come with him to where he's going, but the dangers Mathias was facing was much greater. As he closed his eyes feeling the breeze, it had a gentle flow of life. It was time for him to get going on where she's waiting. The charizard flies of into the distance holding onto the memories they all shared.
Suicune
Suicune
Administrator
Administrator

Age : 32
Posts : 4641

CHAPTER 1: GREAT ESCAPE - Page 4 Empty Re: CHAPTER 1: GREAT ESCAPE

Post by Suicune on Thu Oct 31, 2013 11:28 pm

Thank you everyone, this team is now closed.
We will start evaluations immediately for each of you, and will post the results as quickly as we can.


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Suicune
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Suicune
Suicune
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Posts : 4641

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Post by Suicune on Tue Nov 05, 2013 9:38 am

Okay, after receiving input from the other admins, we've come to a conclusion.
For those of you who are graduating- take our suggestions and keep working on them.
Ignoring them or reverting back to poor writing skills will get you demoted back to Rookie.
Ace teams are constantly being monitored, so be sure to actively keep on your writing techniques.
The rite of passage is given under the stipulation that the suggestions we offer are taken seriously and implemented into your work.

Kaze:
You have certainly improved since last critique.
Most importantly, you have integrated your character into the team and made them much more attached/invested emotionally. This is crucial in any story, and I congratulate you. I would strongly encourage you to keep working at this, as I see it as the only setback in your writing: at least for RP. Remember that your team member interaction and investment is what will make or break your writing here, due to the very nature of collaborative writing. Make them important in your characters' life, and it will not only make the story better, but also help your character grow.

You had some nice use of metaphor and simile, and excellent characterization of a child. It was interesting to see how a young one would react in the face of the apocalypse, and you captured it well. As always, you're very descriptive, but sometimes your grammar was lacking, or your sentences didn't flow as they should.
I'd suggest the writing editor I've linked previously to fix simple things like that.
Remember that you want to say the most you can with as little words as possible. Research a bit on sentence structure and how to avoid a passive voice.
I also liked your pacing; the way Taphs' story ended was great, and it left me wanting to know more about what he's going through, and what will happen to him now.
That is exactly what you want from your readers.

After taking all this into consideration, we've decided that you are ready for a harder challenge.

Congratulations Kaze, you've graduated to Ace Rank!
You can now join an Ace team, either with Taph or with anyone else you choose. Taph can keep his post count, wherever he goes.
You also earned an element badge, which you can collect at the League. Just link this post, and they will do the rest.



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Suicune
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Suicune
Suicune
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Age : 32
Posts : 4641

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Post by Suicune on Tue Nov 05, 2013 9:58 am

For those of you who are graduating- take our suggestions and keep working on them.
Ignoring them or reverting back to poor writing skills will get you demoted back to Rookie. 
Ace teams are constantly being monitored, so be sure to actively keep on your writing techniques. 
The rite of passage is given under the stipulation that the suggestions we offer are taken seriously and implemented into your work. 

Duma:
You have also improved vastly since my last critique. You took to what I suggested right away, and set to work in improving. That alone is a great feat, and the sign of ambition, an attentive listener and a passionate writer. Taking constructive criticism with a positive attitude and using it to your benefit is an invaluable skill, and one you can use everywhere.

I'm very impressed with how much you've improved in visually expressing yourself. Your writing style has certainly made leaps and bounds. Interaction between characters was spot on; I loved how much your character reacted to the others. That's a show of excellent RP skills. Your spelling and grammar were decent, but I'd suggest trying to expand your vocabulary. Try pushing outside of your comfort zone, and use a more complex sentence structure. Research ways on how to make your writing dynamic, and less passive.
Subtlety is also something that can be worked at. The reader gets more from your writing if you show, and not tell. Let them see that your character is determined, don't tell them that she is.
Let them decide what they feel and understand, and your reader will pull much more from your work. They'll be much more emotionally invested, because they are actively thinking about it, rather than being told how to feel.

Also refrain from making your writing sound like a conversation between reader and writer, unless it fits your medium. In the case of RP, it doesn't fit. This form of writing is usually meant to be third person perspective, without an active narrative voice. Engross your readers through the senses, not by talking to them. 

I would also like you to apply subtlety to dialogue.
Really research dialogue tips, and how to make it more subtle and more realistic.
The only shortcoming I saw that didn't improve as much as I'd like is how she spoke.
And while this may be her character/personality, I still think it could do with some more refinement.
A quick google search of 'dialogue for writing' came up with a slew of helpful links.
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The best advice I can give is to read your dialogue out loud. Would someone really say that in real life? If not, then change it so it does. If your character is saying something too obvious, you need to change that. Obviously, they're saying it for a reason, and you want it in there- but instead of putting it in speech dialogue, maybe include it in thought dialogue instead. Or if possible, show it through action.
And honestly, if it's much too blunt or simple, take it out entirely.
Think about the situation, and how much is already implied by a characters' words or actions. Some things just don't need to be pointed out.
Assume that your reader already picked up on certain things, and imply them through how your character reacts, rather than saying it bluntly.
The whole point is to immerse your reader into a believable world- and unrealistic dialogue takes a reader out completely.

Finally, I would suggest improving your character depth. 
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Here's a character sheet that has a lot of questions about your character. Fill out as much as you can- it will help you flesh them out and help you learn about who your character is.
Do your utmost to avoid Mary Sues, or super-special characters.
Most people don't look exceptionally unique, so why should Pokemon be any different? What makes them unique is on the inside. Make them a strong/quality character, and only take physical appearance as a conduit. 

Here's a test of sorts that you can do to see if your character is a Mary Sue:
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Again, don't worry if it happens; this type of thing is common. But be sure to look at all the things that contribute to that type of character and try to avoid the ones that would count against a deep character. 
The worst thing about this type of char is that it's two-dimensional.
You don't want your character to be perfect in every way and everyone loves them and they're super-special. 
Remember that this has to be a real personality, and everyone; literally everyone- has a LOT of flaws. 
If you want people to relate and appreciate your work, you don't have to make something super-beautiful/strong.
Make something real. 


After taking all this into consideration, we've decided that you are ready for a harder challenge.

Congratulations Duma, you've graduated to Ace Rank!
You can now join an Ace team, either with Glass or with anyone else you choose. Glass can keep her post count, wherever she goes.
You also earned an element badge, which you can collect at the League. Just link this post, and they will do the rest.



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Suicune
Suicune
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Post by Suicune on Tue Nov 05, 2013 3:41 pm

ShadowCharizard:

You've shown some improvement as well since my last critique- your pacing has improved. 
You slowed down and really got your character much more involved, which made the story flow much better.
Your characterization did improve; you used less dialogue and more descriptive text to describe what Mathias was doing or thinking, which is good. However, this still needs to be improved upon. There's still a lot of direct characterization in your posts.
The same issue I found in Dumas' posts- writing like you're talking to your reader, or explaining things in direct ways. This is the core of the issue, and needs to be addressed right away.
In RP, your perspective as narrator should be in third-person point of view, and should be a passive narrative voice. Your reader should be focusing in the characters involved, and should be gleaning their reactions, emotions, etc from the characters themselves, and not from the narrator.
Writing too bluntly will keep your readers from really staying engaged in your writing, as you've already made all the deductions for them. 
Here's a link to some helpful tips on how to be more visual:
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You want them to feel emotionally attached to your characters, which brings me to the next issue. I believe that your character wasn't developed enough, which may be why you're having issues. Don't feel bad, it happens to everyone here. Creating characters from scratch is often a very difficult process, and usually requires a test-run before you even know if you like to RP as them. 
Sometimes, it's just gonna be too hard to get into character, and have to rework them or start over with another.
Mathias has a decent start for a good character, but he had no real motive or complexity to him.
He was kind and compassionate, but that was all that was really seen in the story; and for a character to become real, you have to convey much more than that. 
His profile sheet also lacked in depth; motives, a complex history, conflict.

So to help ask the right questions on developing your character, I found a pretty nice character template.
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While this may apply to humans, take the questions that apply most and input whatever you can for your character. This will help you really get into his head; all the questions asked are things that you can potentially put into your writing to make him more realistic. And you'll get to know your character better, which is always a good thing. 

And here's a helpful link on the quick and dirty;
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These are all things that you can apply to your work, some of them I've mentioned above.

Taking all of this into account, I regret to say that you are not ready for Ace teams. 
However, you have earned a 25 post element badge for Mathias. Link this post in the League as proof, and they will do the rest. 

For the next round, I'd suggest that you start with a fresh character, to not only maximize your badge earnings, but so you can really flesh out an unused idea/character with the things I've suggested.


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Suicune
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Post by Suicune on Tue Nov 05, 2013 3:43 pm

And with that, this team is now concluded. 
In one week, this should be moved to the Graveyard, to make room for active RPs.
Good job everyone, this went very well.


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