Remember, this is just a friendly critique, meant for assistance and helping you in getting a good grade at the end of 25 posts.
After this post, continue as normal.
Pros: Your character certainly has spunk/personality. Her attitude really gets across through your writing. Your posts are decent length, and the text is appropriately colored. Everything is labeled, and your image is nice. Even using italics for thoughts is a nice touch. Your sentence length is decent and your spelling is spot on.
Cons: (I'm writing more for this area because this will be more helpful to you if I elaborate)
- Plug in your posts into this before you submit to edit. It will give you a lot of grammar advice that will fix simple issues and make your sentences flow.
- I would suggest slowing your pace. Break up your posts in such a way to develop more of your character and their relationship with the others, rather than plowing ahead to get the goal done. The point of RP is not to reach the end, but to tell a story.
In these RPs, your characters can fail or achieve their goal; whatever you choose...just make it a good story. Make it engaging and interesting.
- Your posts don't have as much indirect characterization as I'd like. You speak for your character through non-italic 'narrative' text, which conflicts with your italicized text of internal thought.
I've made a small blurb concerning characterization [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
- Character development is more effective when the author reveals traits about the character through diction, and allows the reader to make their own judgments, rather than stating the character traits directly.
• Option 1) The author simply states: “The young boy was mischievous and he was always looking for the next way to cause problems for everyone else.”
• Option 2) The author mentions specific instances that the boy has caused trouble and reveals, through these cases, that he is mischievous and a troublemaker.
Option 2 is a more effective approach because it allows the readers to form judgments about the young boy themselves, rather than simply accepting the author’s word for it.
This is also expressed as showing your audience, rather than telling them. Show them what your character does or how they feel in a scene through their actions, rather than telling them. Your job is to paint a mental picture for your reader, so be vivid and do your best to complete the picture with as much detail as you can. It will make your readers feel much more invested in your characters as well.
Remember to describe all physical senses the character encounters. Telling your reader only what he sees and hears is not nearly so evocative as sharing what he tastes and touches and smells.
Try writing what you see your character doing in great detail. For example, instead of this:
You could write about how she reacted visibly, expressing her uncertainty through her actions/movements/expression, along with her actually asking that question in her head, if it helps with characterization.Glass said, not sure if Taph could focus his move's power to certain areas.
Give it an external view, as if we we were watching a movie. Her reaction could easily be made into half a paragraph, instead of just one sentence.
That's how you pad out your writing WHILE giving your reader something interesting to read.
All action and quick thoughts make for a frantic read. Pace and even it out, it'll make it flow much better, and your character will have much more depth.
-And finally, just a subtle note, not really counting officially or anything: I'd suggest using moves as something...not as structured as the games. While we DO work with game canon, imagine what these creatures would be like in real life. They probably wouldn't have a list of 'moves' in their mind. Try to think of a creative way to work around the games' rigidity in that area. That way, your characters aren't so limited to move names, but using their claws and horns the way a real creature would- more fluid and natural.
You don't have to tackle all of this at once, just take it a step at a time and try to improve with each post. Make a checklist for yourself on things you need to check before you post it officially.
You have three days to post: make yourself drafts of your post, like you would a school english paper. Use the first day to brainstorm, the second day to write a rough post, and the last day to post a finished piece.
And all of this isn't just for Duma: I'm writing these suggestions for everyone. If you think it will help you, use it.